“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
(Proverbs 15:1)
Verbal de-escalation is an important subject for church safety. It can move a person from the edge of
committing a violent act to the position of making a controlled decision. The Bible tells us, "The tongue has
the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."
(Proverbs 18:21) When used properly,
words can de-escalate even the worst situation.
Verbal De-escalation is a powerful tool when dealing
with people with mental illness, people in personal crisis, and those who are
just looking for a fight. It
uses words to prevent a disruptive person from becoming violent. There are no magic words to calm people down.
The philosophy of verbal de-escalation seems illogical. But, if you take a less authoritative,
controlling, confrontational approach you will have more control. By giving a person a sense of control, he doesn't feel his only
choice is to resort to violence.
The four goals of de-escalation are:
1) Keep lines of communication open
2) Get the person talking
3) Actively listen
4) Maintain control
The four goals of verbal de-escalation correspond to the process of de-escalation.
Keeping these four items in mind helps
clarify and instill the techniques. However, these are more than techniques,
because we need the heart to do it. Our
motivation goes beyond defusing a dangerous situation to helping the persons
involved.
Verbal de-escalation begins with how we approach the person or persons
involved. Since they need to trust us,
we do nothing to spook them or otherwise alarm them. Let them see you coming. Keep a safe distance and don't enter
their personal space. Stand where you
can be seen and heard without appearing as a threat.
As long as a potentially disruptive person is talking, they can be kept
from active violence. Also, talking is
an outlet for them, it helps relieve their tensions. Begin the conversation on a friendly, caring
tone by introducing yourself. An example is, "Hi, I'm Russ. I see that
you're very upset. Is there any way I
can help?" Ask for the person(s)
name(s) if you do not already know them. Use their name(s) throughout the conversation.
This makes it personal and invites them
to open up.
If you can, move them away from the main traffic, especially if they're in
the foyer or a corridor. Leave space for them to move out if they choose. Don't bottle them up or corner them. Being away from the crowd allows them more
privacy, letting them feel free to talk.
Since disruptive persons are in a heightened emotional state, they have diminished
reasoning power. It's more difficult for
them to think logically, to process information, and to remember details. If they seem a bit confused or do not get
their facts straight, don't correct them.
Listening actively keeps them talking. Nod your head and say things like, "I
see," or, "I hear you." Respond
to some statements by repeating them back in different words or asking a
related question. For instance, if he
says, "I wasn't feeling well," you can say, "So you were
sick." Or if she says, "It was
kind of long," you might say, "Was it more than an hour?" Keep your attention on them, don't look away. Don't fidget or otherwise look bored or
impatient. This does not mean you agree
with them, but it does mean you are listening.
In verbal de-escalation, we are trying to control a situation to keep it
from getting out of hand, then to bring the tension down to a safe level. Control is on two sides, Self-Control and
Situation Control.
A. Self-Control
To stay in control we must first be under control, or controlling
ourselves. People in a high emotional
state respond more to non-verbal language than to words. Non-verbal language includes body language,
facial expressions, and tone of voice. These
are things we have to practice controlling on a regular basis to be able to
control in a tense situation. Before
this, we must control our attitudes and thoughts.
Attitudes and Thoughts
How you treat a person largely depends on your attitudes, how you think
about them. Jesus mentioned this when He
said that what we say comes from what is in our hearts. (See Matthew 12:34;
15:18-19) In 1 Corinthians 2:16, Paul says, "But we have the mind of Christ."
Then in Philippians 2:4-5, he urges us
to have the same attitude Christ had when He came to help us. This is thinking
of others before ourselves.
If we have an indifferent attitude, it will affect how we talk to the
person unless we are perfect actors. If
we see the man or woman in front of us as a real person who needs help, needs
someone to talk to, this will help us to calm them down, defusing a dangerous
situation. In line with this, we have to
guard our own emotions. We need to be
the reasonable ones.
Body Language
Your body posture indicates attitude, think about what is in your mind when
looking at someone's picture. This
begins with your position. Use an
interview stance, standing at an angle to the subject. It is less threatening or aggressive than
standing toe-to-toe. If you stand at an
angle turning your head to face them, it implies cordiality and understanding.
Make few movements. Let them be slow
and deliberate. Moving quickly or
erratically can look like an attack. Avoid
threatening gestures, such pointing, clenching a fist, etc. Don't raise your hand above your head, and keep
your hands at or above waist level.
Facial Expressions
Unless we are blind or in the dark, or the other person is wearing a mask,
we all read faces. When you are trying to de-escalate a disruptive
person, your facial expressions may make or break your efforts. Look like you're listening without staring or
grimacing. Keep a relaxed-yet-serious
face. If you try to see how he or she
feels, this will come across.
Tone of Voice
People are not dogs, but both respond to the tone of voice. Dogs are non-verbal. Unless specifically trained to respond to
certain commands, a dog primarily responds to your tone of voice. Your choice of words affects your tone of
voice. Try it sometime. Say something negative, then something
positive, watch the dog's reaction.
It works with people, too. Since
people are verbal, they can understand the actual words. However, if you say the right words in the
wrong tone, what they feel is the tone. This
is especially true when the person is very emotional.
B. Situation Control
The purpose of verbal de-escalation is to control a situation, to keep it
from escalating, then to bring the tensions down. It is more than just words. As noted above, this begins with how we
approach the person(s):
1) Have another Safety Team member nearby as backup. The other member will stay farther back so
that the subject does not feel piled on.
2) Keep the conversation away from the crowd.
a. Move it to a quieter place or
to the side, out of the traffic lane.
b. The other team member can
stand where other people have to go around, away from you and the subject(s).
3) Keep the subject talking, giving him or her a chance to run out of steam
and cool down. Time is on your side.
When tensions are escalating, we want to keep them from exploding into
violence. We can use verbal
de-escalation to bring the situation back from the brink without using
physical force.
Know when to act. A person
may be acting dangerous but not directly threatening any other person or themselves.
If possible, give them time to calm
down. This requires patience and
continuous safety evaluation. Use force
only when it is necessary to protect yourself and others.
For the most part, people come to church with the intention of worshiping
God and enjoying fellowship with others. However, some individuals entering the church
will cause disruptions, whether by bringing family-related arguments to church,
due to mental illness, drug or alcohol intoxication, or other problems.
It is vital that your Church Security Team be
prepared to handle these situations correctly.
Be safe!
Be safe!
Thank you for reading my three-part series on Dealing with
Disruptive People. I hope that the information contained herein was
helpful to you. If you would like more information or if you have some
questions please feel free to contact me here, or at:
Integrity Security Consulting
Russ Sharrock
405-762-2471 |
integrityseccon@hotmail.com
I have also developed and made available to anyone interested, for FREE, a series of Security & safety forms that can
be printed for your use:
1) A Safety & Security Risk Assessment Form
2) Church Security Plan Template
3) Church Emergency Plan Template
4) A General Fire Safety Checklist
5) A Bomb Threat Checklist
6) A Bomb Threat Distance Chart: Includes various types of
explosive devises and to be referred to in an event of a bomb threat
evacuation. These are minimum distances to evacuate away from the area of
explosion.
7) Facility Lockdown Checklist
8) Child Protection Covenant
9) Church Emergency Management Checklist
These MS Word documents can be adapted as necessary to fit your
church size and needs. I will be adding new forms as time allows.
For a copy of any of these FREE
forms, or if you have any questions, contact me and let me know what your needs
are.
