“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in
settings of silver.” (Proverbs 25:11)
“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue
of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18)
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh
word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
It’s Sunday morning and you are in the foyer. In a few minutes the service will begin. A couple in the church has recently separated,
she came in a few minutes ago and took their toddler to the childcare area. Another family is dealing with a mentally ill
daughter. You were also briefed that
threats were made last week against another church in town. So your awareness
level is on condition yellow.
A man comes in who looks upset and nervous. It's the husband whose wife came in not long
ago. He looks around, then heads for the
childcare area. You begin to follow,
just to keep an eye on things.
The wife's voice comes from the hallway, "What are
you doing here?"
"I'm here to get Joey."
"The paper's say you're to leave us alone!"
You then call on the radio, "Code Orange, hallway to
childcare," then head into the corridor. It's time to step in.
When stepping into a situation, our goal is to defuse
escalating tensions before they become disruptive. The proven means for doing this is verbal
de-escalation. De-escalation refers to behavior that is intended to avoid
escalation of conflict. It may also
refer to approaches in conflict resolution. The situation may be a continuation of
domestic conflict, mental illness, or an ongoing personal dispute. It could be a disagreement in a conversation
becoming an argument. Real-life
experience shows that words can be used to cool down heated exchanges. A paraphrase of what Solomon said is, "A
calm answer cools anger."
Essentially, we initiate verbal de-escalation by engaging
in conversation. In the conversation,
get the subject to talk. Use the
conversation to bring calmness. Remember
the goal is to not allow the situation to become a disruption. If a person becomes aggressive or seems potentially
violent, first ensure your own safety.
Maintain a minimum distance of 2-3 arm’s length away from the subject. Take
long, deep breaths to stay as calm as possible.
Let’s look at a Checklist of seven essential do's and don'ts
for managing potentially tense situations:
1) Don't sneak up on the subject.
When a person is tense, it is not wise to startle them. If you can, approach them where they can see
you. If they can't see you make sounds
or speak so they know you are there.
In our scenario, the husband's back is to you. Since this is a hallway, there's no visible
angle of approach. Say something
neutral, such as, "Good morning." The first level on the Use of the Force
Continuum is presence. Now he knows you
are there. Where it goes from here
depends on his response. He may turn
around and pretend that everything is all right, then leave. Or he may indicate they were discussing
something private and try to talk you into leaving them alone. He could say to her, "I'll see you later,"
and then turn around and march out. On
the other hand, he may be defensive, potentially hostile.
2) Avoid invading the subject's personal space.
When a subject is tense, their concept of personal space
expands. In our scenario, stay close to
one wall so the husband can go by on the other side if he chooses to leave.
3) Keep your body language open and non-threatening.
This is verbal
de-escalation. However, not all we
say is in words. Body language says a
lot, and for someone in the heat of emotions, it is louder than spoken words. Adopt an interview stance. Stay a little off to one side, not
face-to-face. Keep your feet at an
angle. This is not an aggressive stance,
but enables you to defend yourself if needed.
4) Avoid “ganging up” on the subject.
In a potentially dangerous situation, it is important to
have a backup. However, the second team
member should stay back, letting the first one talk with the subject. It is not always mentioned in news stories,
but the practice of police response teams when negotiating with a suspect is to
let one officer talk.
5) Be honest.
Don't lie to or deceive the subject to get compliance. First, as Christians it is imperative that we
be above board. The Apostles wrote that
we should be honorable to all. (See Romans 12:17; 2 Corinthians 8:21; 1 Peter
2:12) Not only is deceit dishonorable,
it is counter-productive. A disturbed
person may sense deceit and become even more uncooperative.
6) Avoid telling the subject to calm down.
Face it. They are
already losing control, so they are unable at the time to calm themselves down. Rather, set the example by being calm
yourself.
7) Give the subject an opportunity to explain.
This takes the energy from the emotional heat and
redirects it toward reason. Even
explanations which sound unreasonable to us are more reasonable than a violent
outburst. The time it takes to explain
also gives them time to cool down. Letting
the subject explain may also give you clues to their mindset and understanding
of what their life is like. Then when
you do speak, you may know how to more effectively appeal to them.
In 1 Timothy 5:1-2 the Apostle Paul tells us, "Do
not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father.
Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as
sisters, with absolute purity."
Be safe!
Russ Sharrock
Be safe!
Russ Sharrock
If you have any questions or you are
interested in a consultation on safety & security for your church you can
contact me at:
Integrity
Security Consulting
Russ
Sharrock
405-762-2471 | integrityseccon@hotmail.com
